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[atypical_echo]

What it says on the Tin

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[atypical_echo]

[This is a lot of emotion going on, and Mark he's... quiet for a bit. Even has the kettle starts whistling. That has to get turned off.]

I wish I could give you an easy yes or no answer, Damien. I really do. I wish I had a fucking time machine, for legit, that could affect time, so I could go back and tell you not to kidnap me. But I can't. I don't know what to do with this. I don't know what is right at all.

[He sighs and just wants to collapse.]

The problem with my life is that I am always so unsure with you. What I want, what I need.

[heydrb]

Well, if wishes were fishes and all that...

[He lets out a soft huff, shaking his head.] I don't... I don't know what to do with that.

[He's quiet again for a moment or two, trying to figure this out. He should just go. Hang up and delete his number and never call him again. But he doesn't want to, and Mark isn't sure and everything's a mess.]

...Why- why do you think you're not...a good person? I don't understand that. Like– on a fucking fundamental level, I do not understand how you can see yourself that way. People don't rally around to try and help and love and protect you when you're a dick, man...

[atypical_echo]

I thought it's 'if wishes were horses'.

[Mark sighs and... How do you explain it when he tried so hard not to explain it?]

I told you a lot about my time at the AM. I didn't tell you everything. And I've seen since then how what I did affected others.

[heydrb]

I think it's both?

[You can practically hear the shrug in his tone.]

...Do you wanna talk about it?

[atypical_echo]

[Does he want to talk about it? Hell no. His sister almost got murdered over that shit.]

The depths of 'do not want to talk about it' I have for this are rather impressive. Like standing on the top of the Willis tower and looking down and where you can see the ground before is the depth. This is big 'do not want' eneryg.

[heydrb]

Okay-- ...? [He huffs the word out in a half-laugh, a little exasperated, a lot awkward and unsure of what else to say.]

[atypical_echo]

I... This isn't something I can just let go of easily, okay? I hate that I don't have the strength to do this in a way that opens up. I'm sorry.

[This is what he means. He's broken and he can't be better.]

I can't... have you seeing me as salvation.

[heydrb]

Okay... no, it's fine, Mark– you don't have to. Especially not with me.

[He sighs softly.] I'm not nearly religious enough for all that, man... I don't... that's not what this is. It's- I'm...

[The sound that escapes him just then is half a breath, half a nervous chuckle. Mmm. Nope. No. He is not saying that. It wouldn't help, and it wouldn't solve anything, and Mark wouldn't believe it anyway.]

It's... I-I don't know how to explain it.

[Not... without laying something at his feet that Mark doesn't need. Now. Maybe ever.]

[atypical_echo]

I really wish you did. Because I feel like if I knew what you were feeling, I could better understand what the fuck I'm supposed to do to help.

[And hte answer, he knows, is that he can't.]

[heydrb]

You...don't have to do anything. It's- it's nothing you can fix. It's not on you to fix it, even if you could, Mark, I get that now... [He huffs softly.]

Too little, too late... story of my fuckin' life. [He mutters and sniffs and his voice is tighter, a little shaky, with his next words.]

I uhm... Fuck, I feel like I'm drowning. [He clears his throat, but it does nothing for the emotion still sitting thick on his tongue.] God- you don't need this, I-I should go before I say something really fucking stupid...

[atypical_echo]

I'm sure your therapist would say that honesty is an important part of communication.

[Damn but this has been a lot to deal with, for them both. And yet... This voice. He... cares about it.]

[heydrb]

I can't... [He whispers, dragging a hand across his face.] Mark, I can't lay this at your feet... it's not your problem. I'm- I'm not your problem.

[atypical_echo]

Except you are, man. You really, really are. And that's something we both have to acknowledge.

[heydrb]

A vice you need to quit, right?

[He hates how soft his voice is with that question, but it fucking hurts. Everything fucking hurts.]

[atypical_echo]

[Yes. Yes. But...]

Coffee's a vice too.

[heydrb]

[He can't stop the laugh that practically startles out of him.] We both know I'm worse for you than coffee...

[atypical_echo]

Yeah, probably. Don't have to laugh so hard about it.

[heydrb]

I'm not... I really just didn't expect that.

[atypical_echo]

[Yeah, neither did Mark. He sighs and wants to rub at his temples. Can't, has the phone.]

Fine, see yourself as alcoholism. Guess I'm double down for that.

[heydrb]

No, no... I like coffee better. I don't even like booze, man...

[atypical_echo]

Yeah, I sorta fell into it, hard, after I got us back to Boston. It's been an issue.

[Clearly if he had a sober buddy and got on Damien about drinking.]

[heydrb]

You know, that offer of yours about the sober buddy thing? Two-way street, man. I'll talk your ear off about whatever you want if you need a distraction or something sometime.

[atypical_echo]

Pretty sure I called you that one time for exactly that purpose. Besides, what am I supposed to do, complain that Sam's dating someone now?

[heydrb]

Wha- I don't know. If that's what you wanna talk about...? [What the fuck? When had that happened?]

[atypical_echo]

[Oh not that long ago at all.]

I don't know what I want to talk about, Damien. But everything's been bad since I came back to Boston and Agent Green died and Joan took over at the AM, and Sam's dating another AM employee and Joan's maybe dating another AM employee and what the fuck am I supposed to do with all of this?